Maitengwe Weekend Stories: Bombs, Beggers and the big five

By Yours Truly

Welcome back, my people! Yours truly is here again, caffeinated, wired, and ready to spill the tea from here to Harare and beyond. Buckle up, this week’s news is juicier than a mango in summer.
So, the world apparently decided to go kaboom. Israel and the US thought it would be cute to play fireworks with Iran this Saturday. Israel claimed it was a “pre-emptive” strike, while the US decided to jump on the party bus. Tehran? Explosions. Airspaces? Closed like your auntie’s secret pickle stash. Ayatollah Khamenei? Scooted off to a safe spot somewhere—probably sipping tea in a bunker thinking, “Am I paying rent for this?” Meanwhile, your truly is over here praying for survival and wondering if anyone actually remembers diplomacy.
And while the Middle East turns into a blockbuster action scene, back home in Bulawayo, the infamous Mumba—yes, the one who apparently had a side hustle with a 14-year-old—was sentenced… to three years. Three! The streets had already crowned him guilty for life, but the law decided, nah, just three. See you in 2028, Mumba, and try not to throw any parties in prison… or do, your call.
Meanwhile, Plumtree’s very own chaos ambassador, Bra Mathe aka Cabangani , has been dragged back from Malawi. Yes, the man who escaped from Plumtree jail last year after a neat 20-year sentence somehow got help from a ZPS officer. Freedom is sweet, but apparently, karma has a loyalty program, and Bra Mathe just got enrolled.
South Africa also threw a spicy plot twist this week. Prince Chatunga is chilling in custody until 3 March over attempted murder charges. Allegedly, he and his friend shot at their gardener—but hold up—nobody knows which weapon, the victim forgot everything, and evidence is playing hide-and-seek. Your truly is shook. Criminal law, you tricky beast.
Back home, politics decided to make life even more entertaining. Bill Number Three is out here moving in mysterious ways. Tungawarra is now on the Central Committee, despite the drama of people trying to block him. Debate? Street forums? Public chatter? Ha! Silence is the new national pastime. The bill is floating like a ghost, and anyone daring to whisper about it risks being swallowed by the abyss of political hush-hush.
Dubai had its own comedy this week. Police arrested a beggar who apparently owns three luxury cars. Yes, you read that right—three! He’s been out here faking despair during the day, looking broke, playing the sympathy card, and then cruising away in style. Twenty-five thousand dirhams found on him and he’s still begging. Ramadan, apparently, brings both generosity and the sneakiest hustle you’ve ever seen.
And to end with a little glamour, your truly went to check out the Reserve Bank’s new “Big 5” notes, unveiled by Dr John Magundya. They are gorgeous, feel like actual money, and yes, Zimbabweans, this is not a mirage—we are officially back in business. USD, step aside. Big 5 is coming for your throne on 7 April 2026.
That’s the week in a nutshell, folks. Wars, jailbreaks, courtroom chaos, political drama, beggars with better taste in cars than you, and money that actually looks like money. Yours truly will be back next week, caffeinated and unfiltered, to spill more tea, gossip, and the news that actually matters.
Asante