Maitengwe Weekend Trending Stories – With Yours Truly

By Maitengwe Columnist
Another week, another chance. Welcome once again to Maitengwe Weekend Trending Stories with Yours Truly.
This week we start with the GOOD news — and oh, what a headline it is! Yours truly got a call straight from the White House, and guess what? The US Congress is finally repealing ZIDERA. Yes, you heard it right — the sanctions are going, Zimbos! After more than two decades under that heavy cloud, the sun is finally breaking through.
Think about it: Mandela himself died still carrying the weight of American sanctions, and Cuba has been clocking nearly 50 years under the same iron grip. This is no small victory — this is history.
But irony has its own rhythm. While we celebrate, our neighbours to the South might need to tighten their belts. Word on the street is Uncle Tommy is not playing games — South Africa, is next on the sanction list.
For now, though, let’s raise a glass to the Second Republic. Bravo.
Last week it was King Munhumutapa the 9th’s birthday, and Yours Truly was in Zvishavane to witness the day. But I was left rather confused—Is he not Shumba? And are the Mutapa not Moyo? Well, Yours Truly is not a historian, so I’ll leave it at this: Happy Birthday, Munhumutapa the 9th. Lead us, Shumba!
Now, Nkulumane, you guys really disappointed me. You didn’t even alert Yours Truly about the old lady who was caught naked in your suburb. I heard the ama2k came running and diagnosed her with something they called dementia. Ha! Yours Truly, a villager from Dombodema, will not be fooled by this jargon. Back in the village, when an old lady is caught naked early in the morning at random homes, we all know what it means—she simply ran out of fuel. Case closed.
Let’s move to the capital and, more specifically, Zimbabwe’s third-largest town—Chitungwiza. Strangely, most people think of it as just a township of Harare. Anyway, what’s going on there? A certain young man reportedly tried to commit suicide by climbing an electric tower. But after tough negotiations with villagers, the young man only agreed to come down on one condition—that they buy him beer. Yes, you heard me right—beer! Oh, Chitungwiza… who has bewitched you? Oh foolish Galatians!
Of course, no weekend trending stories would be complete without checking in with our neighbours, the Deputy Americans (you know who). Another commission is underway—because this land cannot go a week without a commission of inquiry. From the Zondo Commission, which gave us nothing, we now have the Madlanga Commission digging into explosive details of state capture and corruption. And the man in uniform, General Nhlanhla Mkwanazi, is sparing no prisoners, name-dropping left, right, and centre. At this rate, don’t be surprised if Cupcake’s name also comes up!
On the sports field, Yours Truly enjoyed the Champions League nights that delivered a whopping 67 goals this week. But wait—did I hear correctly that the Player of the Week was Doctor Marcus Rashford? Yes, the very same Rashford—once rejected by Manchester United. Not only did he shine, but it seems all the players kicked out by the pompous coach also performed brilliantly. Perhaps Man United should change their name from Red Devils to White Angels—because clearly their problems are spiritual.
Now, on to Go and See Victor. Fridays are always his day. The latest: another man of God got his present. Congratulations, Man of God, and thank you, Mkoma Victor, for facilitating the transaction. On a lighter note, Yours Truly even got a video call from Sir this week. You can imagine how happy I was—until Sir suggested we move to WhatsApp, claiming he had “something” for me. Only for me to realise he wanted me to invest in his online platform. Ha! Did he think Yours Truly came from Chitungwiza? I’m from Dombodema—we don’t fall for scams, no matter the name. I blocked the number immediately. Beware of scams, even those using AI-generated video calls mimicking Sir and Lulu.
Still on religion, Yours Truly has heard many prophets and pulpits declaring that the Rapture is near. In fact, some calculated that it would happen this very week—on Wednesday! Well, if next week you don’t see Maitengwe Weekend Trending Stories, just know that Yours Truly was truly taken. But let me say this: no one knows the day or the hour. All I will tell you is to always be prepared, for surely Jesus will come, and He is coming.
Hallelujah!
These have been the trending stories from Maitengwe. Until next week—Yours Truly is out!